Sardines-- More Than Just Little Fish
by JustMe
Summary: For those who remember a time when cliches ran rampant in the fandom.
1. NDNCSSTH (ISK)

** **

**Never Do Nothing Cause Something's Sure To Happen (I Should Know)**

**NDNCSSTH (ISK)**

By JustMe

It all started off normally.I was just lying on my bed in my room, doing nothing at all.I didn't even make a wish or anything.It just sorta…well, I don't know…happened.All of a sudden Harry Potter was in my room.And that was just the beginning…****

**Harry**: Hi

**Me**: What an absolutely scintillating conversationalist you are Harry.

**Harry**: I'm shy around strangers.

**Me**: Yah.Well, maybe you'll perk up when you get to know me.*****Looks him up and down* Of course, you're looks could probably make up for your lack of conversation.

**Harry**: Really?!?

**Me**: *Drops face in hands and groans* I don't want another Lockhart on my hands!

**Ron**: Hey!

**Me**: Where did you come from?

**Ron**: Mother always said I came from heaven *Grins helpfully*

**Me**: Great.Now I have a new Lockhart AND an ex-angel on my hands.And all I was trying to do was write my story.*Groans once more*.

**Hermione**: What's up guys?

**Me**: Look, I've got enough on my hands right now. Come back some other time.

**Hermione**: *Looks around* Oh, it's just Harry and Ron.They're okay.

**Me**: No they're not.*Points to Harry who's busily asking Ron if he's really cute, and at Ron looking around and smiling angelically*

**Hermione**: Oh, I see what you mean.I've never seen them like this before.How did they get here anyway?  
**Me**: *Tiredly* I haven't the slightest idea, and I've decided I really don't want to know.

*A huge pop is heard, a large puff of smoke is seen, and an elderly man is standing there*

**Me**: Who are you?You're not from Harry Potter.

**Man**: Who's Harry Potter?I'm Gandalf.

**Me**: AHHH! Gandalf!From middle earth!

**Gandalf**: *Amusedly* Yes.What's going on here?

**Me**: *Whispers to Hermione* I think he and Dumbledore would get on well together.

**Hermione**: *Whispers back to me* Yes.They have the same eyes.And they both seem to be in a constant state of amusement.

**Me**: *****To Gandalf* We're having a problem with a nice kid who's becoming self centered and self praising, and another kid who thinks he's an ex-angel.*Muttered* I wish Dumbledore was here.

*Another puff of smoke*

**Dumbledore**: You called?

**Me**: *Falls to knees thanking the Lord* You're here!Help us!Harry is turning into a jerk, and Ron thinks he comes from heaven!

**Hermione**: *Joining in* And this guy named Gandalf has appeared, and his eyes twinkle just like yours!

**Dumbledore**: I see what your problem is.*Looks at Harry and Ron.After a minute he draws his wand, waves it, and Harry and Ron snap back to reality*

**Me**: Thank You!

**Hermione**: I don't think we've been properly introduced.Who are you?

**Me**: *Sighs* I'm a fanfic author.I don't write bad stories, and I don't mess up you Harry or Ron, or anyone else for that matter.

**Hermione**: *Sighs with relief* Good.You had me worried for a minute.

**Me**: I had myself worried for a moment.Anyway, this fic is getting pretty boring.

**Hermione**: Yeah, we need someone to liven things up!

*As if in answer to her prayers a figure appears*

**Bluebottle**: You called my cap-i-tan? *Howls of laughter from the audience, followed by a round of applause* (A/N: Bluebottle is from an old BBC radio show called "The Goon Show".He is really funny, usually ends up dying [being 'deaded'] has a high squeaky voice, will do anything anybody tells him to do, and is overall highly amusing.)

**Me**: Starts cracking up *Through fits of laughter* I *Hehehe* never ex...expect…expected y…yo…you to come!

**Bluebottle**: Yet come I did!Pray tell master…what shall I do?

**Harry**: *Coming over* Who is he?

**Me**: Just a person

**Ron**: *Sarcastically* so we gathered.But what's he doing here?

**Me**: Livening things up!

*A flash of lightening* 

**Alice**: What's up folks?

**Me**: *Wryly* You always do like to make a big entrance don't you?

**Alice **(Who, by the way, is my best friend who is as hyperactive as me): Yup!Are we getting on our sugarless sugar high yet?

**Me**: Hang on dear.The readers are to used to that.We should keep this down to earth.

**Alice**: Aww…ROAR!!!!!!

**Me**: *Backs away while looking at my best friend who has just been turned into a tiger*

**Gandalf**: *Calls over from the other side of the room* So sorry.I've just been experimenting with Albus' wand.

**Me**: *Wearily* Don't worry.I'll handle it._Hmmm, let me think…AHA!That spell she and I made up!_Chrestomanci cancel the spell, Make this person very well.

*Alice turns back into an extremely hyper eleven year old*

*Yet ANOTHER person appears in a puff of smoke*

**Chrestomanci**(From the Chrestomanci novels): Lovely day isn't it.Did you call?

**Me**: *Exasperatedly* No we did not!Go talk to Dumbledore.

*Chrestomanci heads over and starts talking to Dumbledore and Gandalf, and soon all three are chattering excitedly.The remaining kids (And Bluebottle) look at each other*

**Me**: Do you realize that we don't have a single villain in this fic yet?

**Hermione**: She's right you know.No-one will want to read this if there isn't a villain.

**Alice**: *Jumping up and down with excitement* Lets call Lord Voldemort and see if he has a time slot open for us!

**Ron**: Yeah!Then we can defeat him and all get home in time for tea!

**Harry**: Fun!

**Bluebottle**: And pray tell, who is Lord Voldemort?

**Me**: *Happily.Very happily.Going into a sugarless sugar high happily* The most evil dark wizard of all time!

**Bluebottle**: *Cringes* I think I'll go hide in a corner till he's gone *Walks off looking very green*

**Me**: *Conjures a telephone from mid air (Hey, it is my story isn't it?)* What's his telephone number guys?  
**Hermione**: 1-800-EVIL

**Me**: *Dials quickly.As the telephone rings all cluster around the mouthpiece*

**Voldemort**: Hello?

**Me**: Come quickly, we need you!

*A blinding flash of green light and he's in the room*

**Voldemort**: Yes, what do you want?

**Harry**: We want to know if you have a timeslot open for us so we can fight you and all go home in time for tea.

**Ron** **and** **Hermione**: FUN!

**Voldemort**: No, I'm booked for muggle torturing sessions and fanfiction appearances all afternoon.Please try again tomorrow!

*Another flash of light and he's gone*

**All**: AWW!!!!!!!!!!

**Me**: It's no fair, this story is much more important then anybody else's!

**Alice**: I AGREE!I'm in it aren't I?

**Me**: So what do we do now?

**Alice**: *Giggling hysterically* We could teach everyone to go on a sugarless sugar high!

**Me**: Nah, it's an acquired talent.You can't teach it.

**Alice**: NO FAIR!I WANT TO GO ON A SUGARLESS SUGAR HIGH!

**Me**: Too bad.Hey!I've got an idea!How about we…

~*~To Be Continued~*~

Disclaimer: If you recognize it then it belongs to someone else.If you don't then it's mine.Bluebottle belongs to the BBC (I think).REVIEW!


	2. WYSNPSWTHPC (CFTMOOWEI)

**Why You Should Never Play Sardines With The HP Characters (Coming From The Mouth Of One Who Experienced It)**

**Or**

**WYSNPSWTHPC (CFTMOOWEI)**

Continuing from the ever-popular first part of this we (I) give you the sequel: Why You Should Never Play Sardines With The HP Characters (Coming From The Mouth Of One Who Experienced It)!In this episode we get ourselves a new character or two, play sardines instead of truth or dare and have ourselves a gay old time.Oh yeah, I also get saved from complete sugarless sugar high ecstasy by my friend.An epic adventure of cunning, courage and…SUGARLESS SUGAR HIGHS!

**Me**: How about we play sardines!

**Alice**: YAY!

**Hermione**: Um, aren't we supposed to play truth or dare?You know, tradition.

**Me**: Well, I think readers are too used to that *****Giggles happily* We'll start a whole new nation!We'll revolutionize the world!We will read Harry Potter fanfiction till our eyes drop out!

**Hermione**: *Staring* Can anybody tell me what's wrong with her?And put her right?Please?

**Alice**: *Giggling happily just like me* I know what it is!She's on a sugarless sugar high!

*Everyone groans loudly*

**Alice**: Don't worry, I can put her right.*Walks over and shouts loudly in JustMe's ear* THE FIFTH HARRY POTTER BOOK ISN'T COMING OUT UNTIL 2002!

**Me**: *Snaps back to reality extremely quickly* It's sad isn't it? *Giggles happily in a rather sad sort of way because the effect of the screaming is wearing of awfully quickly*

**Alice**: And the next part of "I'd Love You To Hate Me" by saralea hasn't come up yet and neither has the next part of"As We Go On" by afore mentioned author.

**Me**: *It would seem that the full effect of both these statements put together is sinking in.JustMe starts crying loudly* It's not fair!NOBODY LOVES ME!

*Big puff of smoke…have we heard that somewhere before?Anyway, and someone appears*

**Kirsten**: *In a squeaky high pitched voice with a little arm movement* Aww, Gee!

**Me**: *Looks up* That Aww gee of Aww gees can only belong to…KIRSTEN!*Flings arms around Miss Hamster Lover herself*

**Kirsten** (Who, by the way, is my very good friend who loves hamsters [And Harry Potter]): It's me!

**Me**: YAY!

**Alice**: YAY!

**Hermione**: Who is she?

**Me**: *Does my infamous villainous maniacal laughter* Kirsten, our friend and partner in crime.

**Alice**: (Who, for the record, has calmed herself down just a touch, as have I) Let's show them our little show!

**Kirsten** and I: YAY!

**Alice**: Kirsten, you start.

**Kirsten**: I am Yvonne, ze Frengh eggsjange studend from mine-so-ta (Translation: I am Yvonne, the French exchange student from Minnesota)

**Alice**: I am Donna Giovanita, the italiana exchanj studente from Bolivia (Translation: I am Donna Giovanita the Italian exchange student from Bolivia)

**Me**: I am Anita, the Spanish exchanje studente from *Looks around mysteriously* Spain!

*Everyone gasps, and then they clap heartily*

**Hermione**: That's funny!

**Harry and Ron**: Yeah!

**Me**: I doubt the audience gets it.

**Alice**: You had to be there.

**Kirsten**: Where?

**Me**: Well here of course.Where else would she mean?

**Kirsten**: But the audience is here.

**Alice**: They aren't inside the computer screen.

**Kirsten**: Neither am I!

**Me**: I think that we're in my room and inside the computer screen at once.As the audience is in neither of those places what she says is true: You had to be there!

**Harry, Ron, Hermione, Bluebottle, Kirsten, Dumbledore, Gandalf and Chrestomanci**: I GIVE UP!

**Me**: Fine.Be that way.

**Alice**: So, are we going to play sardines or not?

**Kirsten**: Oh, were we going to play sardines?

**Everyone**: YES!

**Me**: All right, we'll play sardines.

*Everyone on the downstairs floor shakes as the earth trembles and rumbles above them and a terrible screaming fills the air…does that make sense?*

**Me**: *Screams* SHUT UP!

*Everyone shuts up very quickly.JustMe has that look on her face.*

**Me**: Now, who wants to hide first?

**Kirsten**: MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!

**Me**: *With an odd look on face* Alright then.Any complaints?

**Alice**: *With the same odd look on her face* Not a one.

*All agree, with…can you guess?That's right, the same odd look on their faces.*

**Me**: Okay.Right.Uhuh. Yeah.

**Alice**: *Looks at me strangely* Um…who are you talking to?

**Me**: *Moves phone away from mouth* Can't you see I'm on the phone?*Rolls eyes and turns back to the receiver*

*All the people in the room look at the crazy author of the fic and…and…(Sorry, have to get the right word here) and…GAPE!Yeah, they stand and let their mouths fall open like boxes without locks quite unashamedly.*

**Me**: *Still on the phone* Right…No, I'm sorry now won't work…Why no?Well, we're going to play sardines…yes sardines…yes, I actually do think that they're more important then you…little what?No, not that kind you idiot!What other kind is there?The game, dim bulb, the game!Yes, that game.So tomorrow?No?Later this afternoon?Yeah, I think I can manage that.Right, see you later.Bye.*Hangs up the phone*

**Hermione**: Who was that?

**Me**: Just a person.Now, on with the game.We'll count to forty.*Turns to Kirsten* You have until then.Can you manage?

**Kirsten**: *Hyperly* Yes!

**Me**: All right then.We'll start to count!

*Everyone covers their eyes and begins to count.Kirsten leaves the room to hide in the bear cave (It's what we call this cupboard in our house that you can sit in, and is unused) while staring at the wall and dreaming that it's a picture of Harry.

**Me** (Along with everybody else): 31…32…33…34…35…36…37…38…39…40!

**Me**: READY OR NOT HERE WE COME!!!!!!!!!

*The group splits up, all going there different ways, some with more of a clue then others.Those who have been to my house before (Primarily Alice) knew exactly where to look.Those who haven't (Primarily everybody else except me) sort of wandered aimlessly.Dumbledore examined muggle objects interestedly, Gandalf thought it all nice fun and sort of meandered through the house wandering (As we (I) have said before) aimlessly.Bluebottle had stayed in the room and was happily examining the CD that he was on, Chrestomanci was actually searching because the world he lived in had most of this stuff, and Hermione (Being a muggleborn) was one other person who actually looked without doing anything else.*

**Me**: *Mumbling to myself* Now, where should I look?*Continues to walk around.Sees Dumbledore examining the TV, and sees Gandalf wandering along happily.Wonders about the sanity of the company I keep.Walks into the kitchen where Harry and Ron are talking to my mother*

**Mrs. Watson**: Look, who are you?And no, we don't have any sardines!

**Harry**: I told you, I'm Harry Potter

**Ron**: And I'm Ron Weasley

**Harry**: And we're looking for sardines 'cause that's the game.Sardines.

**Mrs.** **Watson**: *Spots me in the door* Do you know these people dear?How did they get here?No one came over.Why do they think that they're Harry Potter and Ron Weasley?And why do they want sardines?

**Me**: *Groans silently* Don't worry mom, everything's all right.*Quietly to Harry and Ron* Come with me, before she gets too curious.*To mother* Mom, you're hallucinating.There is nobody but you and I in this house.Nathan and Dad have gone out.Just you and me.These people standing here *Gestures towards Ron and Harry* are not really here.They are mirages.Hallucinations.Call the doctor.*To Harry and Ron* Come on!

*We sprint up the stairs, and collapse panting on the floor.*

**Harry**: That was close.

**Ron**: *Sarcastically* No really Harry.

**Me**: *Rolls eyes (I'm becoming an expert)* Yah, yah.Look, I'm going to get the others.This game is going _Nowhere_.

*Comes up a little later with the whole crowd.A refresher in who's here: Ron, Harry, Hermione, Gandalf, Chrestomanci, Bluebottle, Alice, Kirsten and Me!*  
**Kirsten**: *Grumpily* I don't see why we had to end the game!

**Me**: *With the tired air of one who has answered a question all to often.* Because Kirsten, my mother thinks that you are all hallucinations and I don't want to know what she would do if she saw you wandering all over the house.

**Kirsten**: Oh.

**Alice**: More importantly, what are we going to do now?

**Kirsten**: How about we all have a nice wholesome glass of milk?

**Alice**: Not…not MILK!

**Me**: *Crowing with delight* Yes milk!

*Alice runs screaming from the room.JustMe rolls her eyes.Let her try and explain to mom that she's not a hallucination!*

**Ron**: Is the milk the stuff that comes from chickens, or is it cows?Or do eggs come from cows?All I ever drink is pumpkin juice.

**Harry**: *Has absolutely nothing to say about this, so he just rolls his eyes.It's catching*

**Dumbledore**: I have drunk milk every day of my life.That's why my beard is so white.And Ron?

**Ron**: Yes?

**Dumbledore**: It comes from cows.Eggs come from chickens.*Turns to Gandalf* So, Gandalf, do you drink milk?

**Gandalf**: Well, we usually drink ale, or beer, or something else, but not usually milk.We've been having troubled times in our part of the world.

**Dumbledore**: Hmm…and you Chrestomanci?

**Chrestomanci**: Well, we usually drink what ever we're given.

**Dumbledore**: Sensible thing to do really.

**Me**: Yes, that's all very nice but-

*Just then the telephone begins to ring*

**Me**: *Picks up the phone* Hello?Oh, hi again!Yeah…you want to come soon…okay?Of courser it's me!Uhuh…yup.Who's with me?How did you know there were people with me?Oh…yeah, that makes sense.*Takes phone away from mouth and mutters "It's Cho" and then turns back to the phone*

**Harry**: Cho…

**Hermione**: I thought you were over her Harry!

**Harry**: So did I.

**Ron**: *Exasperatedly* Honestly.

**Me**: *Still on the phone* Yeah…yes…oh, in that case, come on over.Yeah, we're all here…great!*Hangs up the phone* Cho's coming over.She should be here in a minute.

**Harry**: Was she who was on the phone earlier?

**Me**: Yep!

**Hermione**: Is that how she knew we were here?

**Me**: Yeah.

*Okay, you know the drill.There's a nice large happy puff of smoke and a nice zingy soundy thing and *Poof* we have a person who appears nicely!*

**Cho**: What's up guys?

**Harry**: *****Eyes grow wide* Hey Cho.

**Me**: Hi!

**Alice**: *Having mysteriously reappeared says something* 'Sup Lady Chang?

**Cho**: *Puts on a fake voice and waves her hands around a lot* Oh, daaaaaaahhhhhlings, I just flew in from calaffoooooornia!Of course, I simply had to you know…the weather was absolutely attttrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooociuuuuuussss!

**Kirsten**: *Cracking up* You mean you flew in from transfiguration class on a puff of smoke.

**Cho**: *With her normal voice* That's about it!

**Me**: So, what's up at Hogwarts?

**Cho**: They're having the most dreadful time!*Turns to Harry, Ron and Hermione* They're worried sick about you because no one has the slightest idea where you are.

**Ron**: We're here.

**Harry**: *Dazedly* Yeah.

**Hermione**: And we're having FUN!

**Cho**: I had a feeling you'd be in some fic, so I asked around and figured it out.

**Me**: Good job!

**Cho**: Anyway, I should be going now before they count me as missing too.

*Gives everybody hugs, and then gets to Harry*

**Harry**: Don't I get a kiss?

**Cho**: *With hands on hips* Haven't you heard?I'm going out with Draco Malfoy.

**Harry**: *Thinks hard and then says* Can I have a kiss even though you are going out with Draco?

**Cho**: Oh, all right, but just a little one.

*Despite what Cho may have said Harry and Cho are still kissing hard a few minutes later and all the others present have decided on two things: 1. That Harry and Cho must have had superglue on their lips when they began to kiss and 2. That Harry and Cho couldn't be human; they hadn't been seen to breathe for at least 7 minutes.

**Ron**: *Muttered* If that's a small kiss then I don't want to know what she does with her _boyfriend_!

*Smothered giggles from everyone.Cho and Harry finally stop kissing*

**Cho**: You know Harry, Draco is really mean.

**Harry**: *Gasping for air* Of course he is!

**Cho**: And ugly and horrible and I don't love him!

**Harry**: *Hopefully* Really?  
**Cho**: Yeah!In fact…I think I love you!

**Harry**: *Grins* It's about time you figured it out!

**Cho**: *Rolls her eyes* Geez, you're modest aren't you.

*Forgetting the conversation Harry and Cho lock lips again, leaving everyone wondering how they do it (Kiss without breathing!I sincerely _hope _you weren't thinking anything else!People nowadays…)

**Me**: *Looks at Kirsten who is glaring at her* What?  
**Kirsten**: You're the author of this fic!

**Me**: *Rolls eyes (Hehehe…are you getting annoyed with that?)* Your point being?

**Kirsten**: I WANT HARRY!

**Me**: To bad!Anyway guys, I think this party is breaking up.

**Everyone**: AAWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

**Me**: Did you have fun?

**Chrestomanci**: Yes!A lot of it too.

**Dumbledore**: *Eyes twinkling* Quite nice.Very amusing.

**Gandalf**: An enriching experience.Fun too.

**Bluebottle**: I is happy…I has not been deaded…Thank you my cap-i-tan!

**Ron**: Neat!I still don't get how you play sardines though…

**Harry**: *Briefly coming up for air* I got a girlfriend out of it didn't I?It was fun!

**Cho**: *Having come up for the same reason* I got a boyfriend!It was fun!*As an afterthought* And I learned that you think sardines are more important then me…

*They go back to their previous *Ahem* business, and we all…wait…can you guess what we do?Yep, we all roll our eyes!*

**Hermione**: It was great.I especially liked seeing Ron when he thought he was an angel!

**Ron**: WHAT!?!?!?!?!

**Me**: *Cracking up at that* Well…I…I…I had fun…hehehe…hahaha…HAHAHAHAH

HA!

*Soon everybody is laughing, even Harry and Cho who finally unlocked their lips from each others, but haven't taken their eyes off each other yet…as Ron would say "Honestly!"*

**Me**: Well, everybody had fun.Maybe we'll do this again sometime…

~*~The End (For now…)~*~

Disclaimer:Chrestomanci belongs to Diana Wynne Jones, Gandalf belongs to J.R.R Tolkien, Bluebottle belongs to the BBC, Alice and Kirsten belong to themselves, Cho, Harry, Ron and Hermione belong to J.K. Rowling, I belong to myself, my mother belongs to herself and…and…oh yeah, Voldemort belongs to J.K. Rowling.That's it folks…should I write more of these?READ AND REVIEW!


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